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i'm going to be parsing a lot of layperson's brain-wiring stuff here as i learn and re-learn through a body constantly in flux, that can do so much less than it could but still has the ability to adapt, reach, and grow. understanding connections is the most vital thing at this moment. micro and macro, as above, so below.
when the dancer mary ellen donald began to lose her sight, she learned to drum, and lived and shared the rhythms that way instead. she was a teacher i haven't forgotten. embodiment, flux, continuation, transmission.
i've never done real digital art until this year; am relearning my hand/eye connections right now with pencils, brushes, and hardest of all this slippery little tablet. the longer i live, the more i realize how neurodivergent i am. i rely on haptic feedback so much to guide myself through my whole day. i don't always use my eyes to see. frequently it's more like a kind of sonar. i didn't realize until lately, tho, how much i use the friction and tension between tool and paper to move the feelings in my hands, which then pull the content through.
i don't really look or visualize when i draw--i feel. and i've lost a lot of motor control over the past few years, and that feeling of flow through my hands is almost all i have left. the point of pressure is the nexus, the crossroads. it's where i have to momentarily live for it to happen.
so this cheap, lightweight, nonergonomic, awkwardly-buttoned pen skating over its twitch-and-you'll-drop-it matte surface is like drawing on an ice cube with a nail. i'm wrestling hard enough with the unfamiliar operations of synthetic layering and weighting and coloring of an image--it's organization, not intuition, it's what my brain is worst at--and the inability to really connect with the line has driven me to tears several long nights already. i know i'll get used to it in time but i'm desperate for the connections to build.
i want to paint all the time right now; the joy of fanart and the personal exploration of what it shades into are so vital and delicious, have truly been sustaining me, so when the equipment (including the non-intuitive, handbookless program and my laptop itself) malfunctions at every stage it's almost more than i can take some nights, along with the headache, tinnitus and brain fog that also make me transpose letters and words and sometimes struggle to express in any way at all.
despite the fact that there's a lot of rage attached to the continuous losses of progressive disability and this all sounds incredibly depressing, these terms are what i'm used to and each breakthrough with even one small thing makes it worth it. the little things are nourishing; they are sacred food and signposts each pointing the way to the next one. so fingers crossed as all the little neurons, the pretty brain-gardens grow, so mote it be, i make it so.
(i'm seeing as i write this out just how furious i am. it's ok and good to be able to verbalize; the more facility i re-acquire, the more places there will be for me to put and USE it. a tool like nay other, and necessary to aerate the hard-packed and brutalized earth.)
(this must mean it's finally safe to let a little of it out, too. a blessing.)
(...is this fandom related? given my personal points of attachment i think i can safely say that yes, it actually is. still, tagging this for what ppl can either engage with or avoid like the plague.)
when the dancer mary ellen donald began to lose her sight, she learned to drum, and lived and shared the rhythms that way instead. she was a teacher i haven't forgotten. embodiment, flux, continuation, transmission.
i've never done real digital art until this year; am relearning my hand/eye connections right now with pencils, brushes, and hardest of all this slippery little tablet. the longer i live, the more i realize how neurodivergent i am. i rely on haptic feedback so much to guide myself through my whole day. i don't always use my eyes to see. frequently it's more like a kind of sonar. i didn't realize until lately, tho, how much i use the friction and tension between tool and paper to move the feelings in my hands, which then pull the content through.
i don't really look or visualize when i draw--i feel. and i've lost a lot of motor control over the past few years, and that feeling of flow through my hands is almost all i have left. the point of pressure is the nexus, the crossroads. it's where i have to momentarily live for it to happen.
so this cheap, lightweight, nonergonomic, awkwardly-buttoned pen skating over its twitch-and-you'll-drop-it matte surface is like drawing on an ice cube with a nail. i'm wrestling hard enough with the unfamiliar operations of synthetic layering and weighting and coloring of an image--it's organization, not intuition, it's what my brain is worst at--and the inability to really connect with the line has driven me to tears several long nights already. i know i'll get used to it in time but i'm desperate for the connections to build.
i want to paint all the time right now; the joy of fanart and the personal exploration of what it shades into are so vital and delicious, have truly been sustaining me, so when the equipment (including the non-intuitive, handbookless program and my laptop itself) malfunctions at every stage it's almost more than i can take some nights, along with the headache, tinnitus and brain fog that also make me transpose letters and words and sometimes struggle to express in any way at all.
despite the fact that there's a lot of rage attached to the continuous losses of progressive disability and this all sounds incredibly depressing, these terms are what i'm used to and each breakthrough with even one small thing makes it worth it. the little things are nourishing; they are sacred food and signposts each pointing the way to the next one. so fingers crossed as all the little neurons, the pretty brain-gardens grow, so mote it be, i make it so.
(i'm seeing as i write this out just how furious i am. it's ok and good to be able to verbalize; the more facility i re-acquire, the more places there will be for me to put and USE it. a tool like nay other, and necessary to aerate the hard-packed and brutalized earth.)
(this must mean it's finally safe to let a little of it out, too. a blessing.)
(...is this fandom related? given my personal points of attachment i think i can safely say that yes, it actually is. still, tagging this for what ppl can either engage with or avoid like the plague.)
